On Dreams, Drive, and a Few Realizations

I miss fangirling on Taylor Swift. There’s just something in her aura which inspires me to do more and spurs me to believe that I, too, can do it. I can be that happy. I can smile the way she smiles. And I could care less what others think of me because hey, I have earned my keep and I’m totally independent. Shhh. After this post I’m going to type in her name on Google and download every song and every photo she has online. I’m going to play her songs on loop on my Windows Media Player. I’m going to make a collage of her photos and post them all over my walls. Crazy and scary, I know.

For the last months I had been busy. Heck, I’m still busy. I got tons of things to do. But for even one blog post in a week? What excusity. I used to be not like this. But well, we all have different circumstances and clearly for me a few happenstances got in the way.

It used to be not like this in school, either. But maybe I just wasn’t living. I was being in the moment but I was not living, truly living, in those moments. Being a public figure has consequences, after all. Good public figures who don’t have detractors? Only in the movies. In real life, even if you are a good public figure, even if you strive for dignity and integrity and truth all the time, even if you have done nothing wrong, you still get bad publicity, you still get detractors. Happening to me in real life, and boy was my world rocked in a bad way.

I watched movies the whole day. The Road to Paloma, The Grand Budapest Hotel, The Internship, Noah, and Need for Speed. Then I slept. I woke up around 7:00pm. I didn’t rise. I paused to think. I asked myself, what happened? What happened to me? Where are all those dreams I had? Didn’t I dream to one day drive a race car and race in the GrandPrix (something like that) in Monaco? Didn’t I dream of drinking red wine from a wine glass, wearing a black two-piece bikini, my shades up, while cruising on a white yacht? Didn’t I dream of wearing high-end designer outfits on every cocktail dinner meetings I am going to supposedly attend? Didn’t I dream of doing something so big, of being something so big and important to make my parents proud? To get their hardly sought smiles of parental pride? Where did all those big dreams go? When did I start to be this pessimistic about life? I was the goddamn optimistic girl. I took pride in that one good trait I had while I was in one of the darkest periods of my life.

Then it dawned on me. I let it happen. I stopped believing. I stopped believing in myself. I gave in to giving up. I gave up expecting great things from myself. I gave up trying hard. It all didn’t happen in a day. That day by day, I was so retarded that I let my dreams slip – no, go – one by one.

Realizing that, I decided it’s high time. It’s high time to claim and own my dreams back. It’s high time I believe in myself. It’s high time I do, be, act my dreams. It’s high time I believe in Taylor Swift, in Steve Jobs, and in every great person who came from humble beginnings but has made a dent in the universe, again. I can do it.

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